Raw.

Today my girls are needing more than I can give. When one gets out of my lap, another climbs in. The baby doesn’t want to nap. The 3yo has lots of owies that need coddled. The 5yo always requires more attention. The 7yo is having a rough day, too. They all need their love cup filled, but mine is so empty.  

It’s no ones fault. My pcos is rearing its ugly head, making me an emotional wreck. I have morning sickness nausea and pms mood swings and temper. I broke down crying because the baby won’t sleep. I’m tired constantly. I’m constantly doing something, but none of it fills my cup. 

I don’t know how yo find that balance. When you have 4 little bodies that rely on you for food, for love and affection, for discipline,  it’s very tough. I love my girls to the moon and back, but this job isn’t easy. Yes, I “brought this on myself” as I’m so often told, and I wouldn’t change anything at all, but there are times when I’m just… raw. Empty. Exhausted.

It’s always when my thyroid is out of whack . Patience abounds when I’m in check. My when my diet goes to crap, and my thyroid rears its head, I wish I had the time and a doctor to help. I wish there was a magic pill. I wish I knew how to navigate the POTS, the pcos, the hypo. I muddle through. But on days like today, muddling isn’t enough. 

I hate being cranky with my kids. I hate it. I hate being locked in this cycle. I hate feeling stuck. I hate not knowing how yo full my cup. I hate being locked into this tiny area with no where for me to go to escape for a few minutes. But mostly I hate feeling like I’m not myself. 

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About backwoodsmusical

20 something, married to my high school sweetheart. Mom of 4 girls. Loves ice cream, coffee, and curling up with a good book. Hates celery, beer and dishes. Living and loving in Appalachia.
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