Moving on 

I cried tonight. For the first time since your birth, I cried about that first day. A stupid movie, that had nothing to do with birth or anything similar triggered it. I don’t know why. But I cried. 

I cried because your birth was so stressful. Because I was so scared. Because the unknown was so fierce. I cried, because I missed that magical first hour with you. That hour where I counted your fingers and toes, memorized your ears, marveled at how perfect those little breaths felt on my neck. Where I nursed you for the first time. 

I cried, because the first time I touched you was tainted. I cried because I can’t remember that night without remembering that awful nurse screeching at me that I was only allowed to touch you during certain times. I cried because of how hurt, and how incompetent she made me feel. In a night filled with every fear emotion, she should have comforted me. I cried because she made me feel worse. 

I cried because I’m still broken. You are 5 1/2 months old. You are almost 4 months adjusted age. But I still wake up in a panic at night, terrified that I’m bleeding. I still lay awake at night, even with you sleeping beside me, because the terror is still there. I am still scared of a pregnancy that is long done. I am broken. 

You are a high needs child. My sweet baby B. My darling mommy’s girl. I don’t worry about our connection. Even with 12 days of hell, you’re here. You’re nursing as I type, another milestone I worried we wouldn’t achieve. I cried in the NICU, terrified we wouldn’t get to nurse. I thank God every day that you are thriving. 

I’m not healed from your birth. I’m not healed from the pregnancy. I’m not even remotely close. I feel like a shell some days, and like a ticking time bomb on others. I need to get my life together. I need to give my girls stability. Order. Cut down on the chaos. But I don’t know how yet. I’m not there, yet. 

But B… oh baby B. You. You are perfect. You are our miracle, and you are perfect. 


About backwoodsmusical

20 something, married to my high school sweetheart. Mom of 4 girls. Loves ice cream, coffee, and curling up with a good book. Hates celery, beer and dishes. Living and loving in Appalachia.
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